There’s one thing about being engaged that I really don’t like.
A lot of things I enjoy – my pretty ring, planning a party… Oh, and that gorgeous happy gushing of emotion when I think about the fact that I’m committing to love and spend the rest of my life with my beloved.
Some things annoy me, yes, like when people comment on our decisions, when they ask how much weight I’m losing for my dress, when they begin the comments about babies, when they assume that I’m not excited because I choose not to talk about all my wedding details all the time with everyone… But I can get past that. Most of it is well-intentioned simple curiosity and not malicious.
But there’s one thing that is making me really grumpy. And that’s the prevailing attitude that somehow marriage is going to turn me into a controlling sex-withholding selfish child-obsessed bitch and that Grant will cease to exist in his own right.
When, after their realising I’m engaged, people, both married and not, ask “Why?”. Or, after a comment about not seeing their wife in a while, or a criticism flies, or a couple bickers, or a man has obviously had his soul-crushed, they say “That’s what you have to look forward to!”. Or when people joke about being Grant becoming starved for sex as soon as we get married. Or when they assume that Grant won’t be able to do anything he wants and it will be a lifetime of "Yes, Dear..."
For example, when planning activities around our wedding, we discovered our rugby team will be playing a home game in town the day after our wedding *1*. Grant expressed interest in going, and a well-meaning friend exclaimed “You can’t do that! You’ll be married then! And the day after your wedding! Kahiwa?!” *2*. To which I replied “Why wouldn’t he go? I want to go! We love rugby!”. And I do. Rugby is one of ‘our things’, so it makes absolute perfect sense for us to go. And even if it wasn’t, is there some expectation that as soon as Grant is married he’ll be chained to either our home or my side? We’ve never been like that in our almost 8 years together, so why on earth would that change when we married?
What the?!?!!?!?!
When does the attitude towards a wedding go from being all about love and happiness (a la engagement) to one of a soul-destroying monotonous bickering marriage(a la middle-age, apparently)?
Why do we talk like that about one of society’s most important sacraments? The Christians are fighting to preserve the “sanctity of marriage” by not allowing homosexual couples the right. Homosexual couples are fighting to be allowed to enter into a legally recognised commitment. And these married people do is complain about it!
Why are the majority of quotes about marriage jokes along the lines of:
“There are really three rings to do with marriage: the engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering”
I’m angry for a number of reasons:
- If they’re so miserable, why do they stay together? If it’s not that terrible, why are they sharing these comments with me?
- Do they think it’s funny?! Well, especially with that wedding “joke” above, I’m not f**king laughing, Nicolas… *3*
- Do they think it’s what they’re supposed to say? Well, bullshit. “What’s popular is not always right, and what’s right is not always popular”.
- I’m already a boiling bubbling cauldron of emotions, both positive and not, about making one of the most important decisions of my life. To have friends, acquaintances and strangers second-guessing that is not helpful.
- Who the bloody hell do they think they are commenting on my life like that? What right do they have to assume that, just because they’re not always happy, that I might be too? Yes, I’m under no illusions that life is easy; believe me, we’ve had our own troughs. But we have fantastic peaks and the middle (for now anyway) seems to be pleasantly above the X-axis.
So. What now? If I stir on this much longer I’m going to bite someone’s head off or stab them with a fork. And that wouldn’t be good for professional nor personal relationships.
Well, my plan is to call them out on it. When they ask “Why?”, maybe I’ll say “Why not?” or “Thank you for your concern, but that’s a private decision Grant and I came to together”. When they say “That’s what you’ve got to look forward to”, maybe I’ll retort “Why do you say that?” or “What do you mean?”… We’ll see how I go.
In the meantime, any other suggestions for coping and/or confronting?
*love love love love love*
Kiwa.
